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: Wife not welcome at father's funeral

by Paul V. Johnson

Dear Paul:

My wife lost her father this past weekend. I was working out of state and had to fly across country to help her. Her father had been ill for quite some time and we knew that he was having problems. However, whenever we called or attempted to visit him, his son and mother would say that it was not convenient for us to visit or that they had other plans. My wife's brother had been given instructions not to tell anyone of his father's illness or problems. We were led to believe that her father was doing okay, but we found out otherwise after he passed away.

Apparently he had been in the hospital for at least one week before his death; yet nobody made an attempt to contact us. We know that her mother and brother are a bit peculiar, but one would think they would recognize that they have a moral obligation to notify others of the impending death of a family member, whatever the circumstances. My wife was, and still is, extremely distraught about this matter. Recently she tried to ask her brother why she had not been notified of her father's illness. She became so upset during that conversation, however, that she could not talk anymore and had to hang up. Following that telephone conversation with her brother, my wife's mother called at 1:00 a.m. During that telephone call, she told my wife that she disowned her. She also asked her not to come to the viewing or the funeral, and indicated that if she were to come to these events there would be trouble. The request not to attend the viewing or funeral also extended to our children and me.

I have no idea what to do to help with this situation. We were prepared to drive 60 miles to take our children to see their uncle and grandmother, but we were told that it would be too much of an inconvenience for the grandmother and the uncle. I cannot understand how people can push away support and assistance like that. We have never asked them for anything and have never conveyed an impression that we were gold diggers or anything like that. We do have a genuine desire to join them in the grieving process.

Being a part of the family gathering at the viewing and funeral would also assist our children. They need closure too; otherwise, they could be scarred for life. I attempted to call my wife's mother, and she was extremely nasty to me. I tried to tell her that we were grieving too and that all we wanted to do was to help her and her son through the trying times. She continued with the obscenities and I finally had to hang up on her, at my wife's request. I am sure this sounds bizarre, but perhaps such a situation is not all that uncommon. Any tips? Thank you.

Sincerely, An Inquirer