Wife not welcome at father's funeral

Continued

Dear Inquirer,

I was sorry to hear of your father-in-law's death this past weekend and that you are having great difficulty in dealing with the extended family. Some of this behavior may be part of their grief response to his death; however, it appears there may be some history of dysfunction throughout the family.

I do think it is important that your wife, you, and your children be able to have some closure by participating in some way in the visitation and/or funeral activities. Now if, in fact, your presence there with other members of the family will mean "there will be trouble," you may need to do what is necessary to minimize it. Funerals, unless otherwise indicated, are public events and so you have a right to attend. If there truly is a possibility of serious trouble, I would encourage you to contact the funeral director in charge to see if there would be a time when you and you family could come and view the body in private and avoid any confrontation with other family members.

As you have suggested, some of this behavior exhibited by members of your extended family is somewhat bizarre but not totally uncommon. Many people would be surprised at the kinds of behavior that surface among family members when one of them dies.

I hope that "cooler heads" will prevail and you will be able to participate in the activities designed to honor your father-in-law's life.

Best wishes,
Paul

Paul V. Johnson, MA, is a consultant and trainer for business, industry, and educational institutions on issues related to loss and grief. He was formerly an Associate Professor of Sociology at Bethel College(MN) and Director of Aftercare Services for the Bradshaw Funeral Homes in the Twin Cities area. He has made presentations at the national conferences of major professional caregiving associations and is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling.